I am scared to be unloved.
I am scared to end up alone.
I am petrified I screwed my kids up; if I am not whole, how can I wholly care and teach?
Every day I look in I feel more vulnerable and alive. I worry those who see this walk I’m taking will abandon me.
But I must remind myself this walk is for me, not them.
My life ended before it began.
A mantra in my heart for too long.
I need to accept what I’ve done and let go of what was done to me.
I want total presence.
I do no longer wish to stick to the past or bungee to the future.
I want today to be my lover. I want the smallest moments to be close to my heart. I want to say “I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Today I can’t say that, maybe tomorrow I can.
Maybe to start I can give significance to the moments my heart goes back to.
The moments I crave and loathe.
If I relive them with purpose, to accept, can I finally let go?
My blessings cannot take away the hurt from past.
Move way from “at least” talk, it isn’t helpful.
Will I fuck my kids the way my parents fucked me? So cliche’ it’s embarassing.
It’s the source of my never ending, relentless mom guilt. I’m not trying hard enough, but how much harder could I try if I were to let go and feel whole?
I am so deep in my psyche I fear I may get lost. I’m here, alone.
But I’m not afraid.
I am scared to take a break from this self look inward, what if I can’t find my way back here? I know here is where I need to be, today, right now.
I need to see.
I need to see who I am.
Because I don’t know her.
I feel like a jigsaw puzzle, but I believe with all of my being all of my pieces are here, none lost.
They need to be looked at one at a time and then put together.